nightmare

I had a nightmare last night, the kind where all the wrong things happen
If I promise to not cheat my girlfriend, I did with my best friend's wife
I ate a miniture human being in an ice cream dish
While it taste good, it had frog like bones
I was at work and my coworker had pre-filled all the cups in the cup-board
And in the bedroom, I tossed a large wood board on my cat
Over all, everything that I worry about not doing I did
All my dishonesty exposed, and it was frightening

Lots of distraction from sexual imagery since back to school

I don't know what prompted it, maybe just seeing lots of girls at school since i've been back on a large campus with lots of people congregating around. I was ok without all the visual imput from young girls wearing fashionable clothes and the general concentration of young people who dress to be attractive, but since I am back in the middle of it I have become more un nerved by my preocupation with it. I find myself staring and doing double takes at girls who look attractive. I don't feel guilty about it because that is not something that I am going for, and I support myself in that is well; but I have not changed that part of my system that is transfixed by these distractions. Being away from them has only masked that there are still active within my system. I am currently making observations and applying self forgiveness on these points, seeing what I do, and how I got here, and how I am supported by the system and how I support the system in continueing this neccessity--which is unsustainable.

Srring how I do the Take it or leave it "Love"

I realized that I was allowing myself to manipulate my love for my girlfriend when I would include her in my family's ski trip then un-include her without consulting her. I ask her to come, then I get overwhelmed and I think I can just uninvite her without asking her first. I see that I have got to consult her in everything I do and stop trying to control when or or not I include her in my love.

duty to act

I realized that from allowing myself to put off a disagreement with my girlfriend to later on or whenever it came up again, I was allowing that to continue. Instead of returning to the point we left off on, I chose to put it off till later and have a nice enjoyable time with her instead. The problem with this was that when time came to make a decision regarding the disagreement we had, we were still undecided and I could not include her in my choice. I could only reasonably make my own choice regarding the matter because I was unsure where she stood on the matter. I could say that she left herself out of the choice by not tyaking the initiative, but then I was also at fault for not using my responsibility to follow up with her regarding the decision. I could say I am right and she is wrong, and it is not my job to lead her by the hand to do something, but that is ignorant of the reposnsibilty one has who is right to take the initiative.

To do is better than to leave any doubt

I found that when faced with the choice to do something or not to do it, the choice is simple. If doing it is good and I would like to do it, and the only downside is that it is scary or a blow to my ego, then it is better to go do it and not wonder if I were to miss out on anything. I also found that doing a little goes a long way when it is something relatively benign and something I fear as a form of change. I also get a great deal of pure expression from doing that which is sooooo cool, I just love it.

Doing what I do best is best

Keeping up with what I have in motion is what is working best for me right now. I am allowing myself to adjust to changes and to stick with what I have that is the best thing going for me rather than trying to toy around with replicas or new stuff. I am here doing what I need to do because that is what I have supported myself in doing. There is no greener grass anywhere else because I only got my own two legs to stand on and where ever they are at is where I am going. I will change through supporting myself, and through supporting myself I support all to change and in doing so I change the world and make it a fun place for all to live as equal and loved.

Band of Thieves: a poem

I am driving down the road
Away in the distance there comes a car
I see that our paths intersect
So I check my speed against theirs
And set a pace to favor their advance
While I consolidate my advance
For the control it affords me
I let them be bold
And I pay the price with the comfort
That I know no debt go unpaid
Or no victory unjustified

A matter of fact of being
Is that good and bad are debatable
as long as you do not support them
I loved that I can debate them
While I am supported by others
That is not sane, at last
So I support myself and for now
They must not be debatable
Until all support all as equal
Good and evil are not debatable