1st log: Growing up.

I cannot go on treating my parents the way I do, by taking them for granted. I have chosen activities based on my desire for self intimacy and awareness, but those desires are intertwined with my requirements for survival. I need to choose a career simply to meet my needs rather than my needs and my desires. When I can untangle my needs from my desires, I will have the self intimacy and self awareness to go out and explore myself the way I would have done it ideally.

anagram of FAMILY is MAY FLI

Any insect of the order Ephemeroptera, found around streams and ponds. The approximately 2,000 species are up to 1.6 in. (4 cm) long, have triangular membranous forewings, smaller round hind wings, and two or three long, threadlike tails. Wings are held vertically when at rest. Chewing mouthparts in the aquatic larvae are vestigial in the adult, which lives just long enough to mate and reproduce. Males “dance” in large swarms to attract females. The adult's entire life span is usually only a few hours (though at least one species lives as long as two days), and poets have used the mayfly as a symbol of life's ephemeral nature.

http://www.reference.com/browse/shadfly

Saphora, words on starvation

In my mind starvation is when the voice of a part of a whole goes unheard and un spoken. I differentiate between these, like in the hypostatic sense, where the word "these" indicates. Speaking, "these" of unheard and unspoken takes into our account a series of hypostatic inductions that form a "gloss effect" for dimensionally reduced awareness for thier respective levels. Where, key or while, key, Quabalistic ratios for iterations of the universe by adding perplexing dramatizations economic redistribution--there is a matter of responding and orientation. Responding is the reverance for the crystalization of what might be, but no longer might be. Orientation is the settling of desteny through harnessing deconstructive thought.

Song: Psycho Trophy

130 over 70, not sure what to do
stop eating at the deli
start eating low fat food
feeling good and healthy
but not sure what a number means
take precaution to avoid my psycho trophy
I never thought to eat at the health food store
the food was really great
I can exercise and eat healthy
but that is not
the matter completely
there is the bit about miss giving
to those that you don't intent

old poems

I wrote some poems a couple of years ago when I was student. I just found them while cleaning out my room and they reminded me of some of the things I held very dear to my own. I'd like to share them because I am happy about who I was then, and how I am different now and still happy with who I am.


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Raven feather -- darkness

Fruit of my desire, ripe on thorny bow--
a calf bud blooms a bull, and
restless petals spring--: aromatic sneeze,
jealous limb's splinter, and thorn's torn
newborn flesh; where the brambles sillion--
weeps glares to dance on frozen dew.

No intent to rest in lofty branches,
the letting horn-- is declined,
and raven-ous sundown beasts catch the eye--
in-vain, too many have come for...
darkness descending upon rindless perch
to sow slow scabby sleep-- reborn
fruit of my desire, woven another


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conse-creation

Even now monuments cradle in arms
Looking back with dancing teared eyes
Praying for roots to behold their heart--beat
Surging the distance between sighs


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Bon mot on 'Of dreams and nightmares'

How I wish I could tell you
How I wish I could share

Nothing is farther from happening
Yet nothing is closer to the truth

If only you would listen
If only you could see

The love that I have for you
The love that I feel which consumes me

The truth is I would sacrifice everything...
________________________________________

All at once, and day to day
Unfathomable will

Reverberation in the darkness
A coin into a reflecting well

Volume in acquiescence
Pang singularity

Imperceptible ripple in wake
Reduces relentless shores to shoals

Skeleton of a lean tide
Bids all beauty must die


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Carnival of the Eclipse--Truth of the Djinni

Step right up, five rams admittance
Wager for fortune or penance
As a player upon the stage
Submits will to uncertain gauge
But wear victory from the start
For predestined, chance has no part
And to the victor goes the spoil
Yet, know fates insidious toil
Bargain for a fool--Midas' sin
Wax jester's mischievous grin
'Cause legends are not for them-self
They place ambition on the shelf
What they become symbolically
Is determined through you and me
Now make one wish and come prepared
Djinn's truth cannot be unshared


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The Garden Gates--

Countless summers past harmony
Resides a land alive as we
By majics art or discipline
Within this place life did begin
What queue or cradle none could find
Nor manifest sentient mind
Yet mimicries seeming discord
Struck--eerie in abstract accord
For flower and fauna's wild aspect
Calidin evinced fond respect
Alas he did, what too few knew
Fleeting manifold--a charmed stew
Where few justify stray intent
Ignorant child's presentiment
Guards Legadan's low garden gate
Truth, honor--understanding fate


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Before the Great Loss, but after the Dreamer Wars; there was a period of strife that the Dream Strike was no ally friend-to-friend, and could only be met, hand-to-hand, by the legendary blades of elemental power: this period of time is known as the Nightmare Wars. The blades consisted of four; one for each focus, which was: The Serpent's Venom, the Destroyer, the Protector, and the Dreamer's Blight, The insightful blade, Dreamer's Blight, was forged, each in part by K'k'at, Ibioc, and the Alliance ruler Kal'Arakos; along with several others. It came to pass that the blades were distributed to the most worthy dreamers--one of which possessed the Dreamer's Blight, and their name was Jera: a peaceful guardian of the Alliance of the Eclipse. Learning of the blades revealed that, they were the only method to fight back the Tehthua, and more, that, the combination of all four was the only way to strike it down. Upon learning this, Kal'Arakos had since--since the forging of the blade--sworn to peace, and decided to stop the creation of the One blade. Kal'Arakos secretly collected all four blades and dismantled them; separating them each into four pieces: the blade, the hilt, the pommel, and the scabbard. All pieces were then hidden, for if the blades were truly destroyed, the release of power would be so great that the very fabric of the city would be torn open.

Kaorennor's Rest--the omniscient stopgap

Alight of Kaorennor ahead misty stoop
A delight for both master and stead
Planted Jera's pious apple seed
Where sentinels stone thrones wore weathered moss rock
Two ancient chairs-- share weary pilgrim's waking breath
Upon pair of grassy knolls-- all see
Horizon's hinge, din dawn majesty
Fore at Jera often set, to care after--
As minion of, and for thereafter
Rewards Kaorennor's steadfast canter
Consecrate lambent glen and bog-down thicket
Beloved waif dubbed lady of the white wood
Peaceful guardian of Alliance
Cedes worthy companion's compliance


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to Jason on 7/7/09

I try to manipulate my life allot to change the way I see the world, but the way I see the world is a constant. My struggle to change the way I see the world has created allot of pain and suffering for myself and those around me, and the final result is that there is no change in the way I see the world. I spoke to my friend Justin when I was up in Toronto this weekend about doubt. He said he was completely shocked when suddenly people he knew and was close to started to die. He is in medical school and he wondered that he could really do anything at all about his own life situation, and save lives. His resolve was to fight on, even if doubt remained inside himself; although, I see the fight as a struggle to return a point of bliss, before doubt was introduced. I figure that the introduction of doubt is a common point in each person's life, where one goes in search of their childhood love. That love being a state of suspension within a chaotic world, such that there seems to order and direction and significance in an utterly haphazard and disingenuous existence. Jason, we are subject to forces beyond our control, our beingness does not transcend that. The only part of us that exist is what we have control over. You cannot control what you love or that your body will age and fall apart, you are subject to that, but you can control what you eat or when you will sleep. You have an entire life already, just as I do; all the people you know, your job, you activities, are all part of your life just as they are. What you are looking for is already in your life and what you already know, no other place. You have no control over the life that you have, it was given to you. You cannot change that, you have no control of the past, but the need to pass it on in not what you may think it is. Worrying that you will recreate yourself in your relationships is not necessary. You will recreate yourself, that is beyond your control, but only in the likeness of yourself, for the lord god said "behold" and not until that moment did his creation tend after the mold in which the creator bestowed unto it. Since that point, man has labored to remain innocent from revision of what the creator understood in the moment of his creation. Mankind says, "Who am I, where art the one who gave me life that seems like death because I am lost within my own creation and nothing else?" We say, "Why creator, have you forsaken me in my time of need?" Do you see that what is desired is to be inanimate, unadulterated, innocent, honest, sure of ourselves, and full of love. All of this depends on returning from the doubt that has been introduced within our lives--each one of use has doubt. Do not despair, although you cannot return from your doubt, you can see that you are not subject to your doubt. What you envision as where you came from does not exist, I'm afraid; though you may discover what does exist by revealing the magnitude of your fall from grace. It is a shitty existence, but at least it exists. Your dreams of perfection and lost hope are not real, what you see is your guilt and your fear and your lost redemption. Nothing will save you, and you cannot save yourself; this is known as retribution, you must have known by now about retribution, so do not seek knowledge. So, do not wait for somebody to save you as the xtians do, or illuminate the dark as the independently thinking person would to meet ends with fate. You are a cog in a great wheel, a wheel within a wheel. You do not care from where you came, or to hence you go, all is round and your sense is the churning of the gears. What you feel is pleasant because it is devoid of rationality and moral compass. You fuck eat and sleep all day long and you don't think twice about it. You live a long and full life of fucking, eating, and sleeping; and when that is all over you die, and you take responsibility for what you actually were--a wheel within a wheel, and you are full of love and sure of yourself and not conflicted because it was all dream the whole time and did not doubt yourself and you did not believe that you were subject to your own self deception.

keep on, keeping on

My outlook today is that I must keep up my self application so that I have the strength to support myself. Myself supporting myself can have no intermissions, or else I will fall and have to start over completely. When I go to do something, I have a short term goal at hand which I prepare to meet ends with. My writing is an avenue to open up questions that can be served through some research and exploration. Perhaps I would not ask these questions when real circumstances in my own life came to bear significance, and by preemptive instruction, I would have the luxury of satisfying my own curiosity without subjecting myself to a transcendence point.

My friend called me the other day asking me how I was, and I asked myself how I was and I said just fine because I was busy planning and meeting my goals. When I spoke to her later that day she asked me if there was anything wrong and I said no. I said I would rather speak with her if she had something to share with me, that I could share with her. She said friends don't need a reason to talk or get along, and I told her that was not part of my plan. I said I am pushing forward and I am not looking back, because I forgive myself of what has been given to me.